I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
