its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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