On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
love makes seman taste better
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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