I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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