I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
