does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
