Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
