Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
