apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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