Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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