Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
