Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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