I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
