trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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