You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
