so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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