maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
