I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
