Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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