i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
