Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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