quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
