I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
