I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
