somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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