i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
