i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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