I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You're like the curious george of whores
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
