i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
