He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
