saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
