Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
