Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
