The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
