she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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