M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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