so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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