Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
