you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
