just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
