I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
