I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
