mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
