why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
