your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
