he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
