I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
