i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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