i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
