I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I would fuck him just for his dog
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
