So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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