My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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