I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
