Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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